One day here, the next day gone.

Never has there been six months that absolutely tore me apart like the last six months. But I have also been put back together by some amazing people. In that time I lost the one thing that kept me sane, a little girl who could light up my day, and a best friend that I believed would be there forever. None of these things were lost in the same way but each has had a huge effect on me.
The sport that keeps me sane was the first to completely go. This was not the first time I lost this sport. The only difference is that before I had years that I could look forward to in a hope that I could try again. This time I had one year. I have one year left on my gymnastics clock. Imagine knowing you have one year left, but that year could be taken away from you at any moment. That is what I live in: a world where it doesn't matter what I do, this one thing could end at any given moment. I don't have an exact exit time at this point. It will either end in October, or it will end in March. I won't know until October. So why am I trying to come back when I figured out my life without the sport? Because when you truly love something, you don't give it up. I was in that gym everyday. I was with those girls at every meet. I still gave my heart and soul for that team. And although I often felt under appreciated or unnoticed, I know that I tried my hardest to come in that gym and still put my heart and soul into every girl.
The next was lost right after I lost my sport. Avery died on October 24th, 2013. It was not on that day, but a few days later that I decided to give my heart fully and wholly to trying to find my way back to the Lord. I don't know if anyone knows about that. Previously I had always been one to say I was religious, because I am, rather secretively. The fact that I was and am secretive about it does not come from an embarrassment, but rather from the fact that I want it to be more intimate. About a year ago I decided to get a tattoo that more prominently let people know of my faith. Its simply an infinite sign with the word faith in it. Avery's death solidified a new meaning to my tattoo. It pushed my faith even more to the forefront of my brain.
The last loss was of a person I believed I would be friends with forever. She had helped me through things that others had brushed off and even though I do not often mention it, I miss her.  Its hard to be able to miss her because I feel as if I'm not allowed to. No, I was not as close to her in some ways as Allyse was. But thats what makes it hard. Because I although I miss her, I feel as though I'm in adequate compared to her.
And this has been my biggest let down the past 6 months. Everything that has happened has left me feeling inadequate. Things happen and I just feel completely inadequate in every aspect of my life. I got three new skills in gymnastics but that wasn't good enough. I was there for Allyse through everything with Kelsey, but I still am not good enough. I work my butt off in school and coaching, yet I still feel as though my grades are inadequate and I never have enough money.
So overall the last 6 months has been loss after loss with me feeling as though I can't live up to any expectations.

Don't Rush Grief

There is absolutely no time limit on grief so don't rush yourself or let others rush you.

There's no need for a schedule. There's no need to feel rushed. There's no need to rush others. Take all the time you need to make yourself happy. Some people take a day. Some people take a lifetime. Neither is wrong. I have often been told that I can't be upset because what do I have to be upset about in my life? But grief can last years. Grief can sneak up on you long after you think you've overcome it. So why then, do some people not allow a person to feel grief? Why do some people feel as though it is inexcusable for someone to keep what is upsetting them inside of them? I thank the Lord for the people who believe in me and my grief and allow it to come and go as it does.