Some nights I have this urge to go lay on this giant hill and look at the stars. But I need someone with me. Not to talk, or cuddle, or anything. Just to be there. And so here I lay in my bed wide awake 2 hours after physically going to bed. My brain on overload and no one to help me figure it out.
Sounds like I need a counselor right? I've known a lot of people who look negatively on counseling. This instilled a sense of fear of the whole process. I refused to get counseling when I was 13 and pretending like I had control. Again when I was 17 and refused to get out of bed for weeks at a time. And again when I was 18 and my world was falling apart.
But I finally got up the courage to go see someone back in August and September when I really felt like I would lose it if I didn't. Still I feel like its frowned upon. I feel like I look weak to certain people. Those people have not treated me the same since. And so now I sit here in a debacle. Do I go to counseling? Do I not? Do I get through it alone and wonder how long its going to take? And then there's the boy. Does he need to know whats going on? Probably at some point. Am I going to tell him? I have no clue. So I lay here. Wondering if he thinks I'm a baby because I don't like being home alone. Does he even care? Have I pushed him away? Does that even matter?
I'm 21 years old and I can't fall asleep when I'm home alone. Pathetic. I'm 21 years old, yet I cry by myself because I'm terrified for people to know how weak I really am. I'm 21 years old and I can't pull myself together. I'm 21 years old and I feel overwhelmed.
Its funny how 21 is both so old and so young. I am an adult, yet not all adults see you that way. I am still a child, yet I have more responsibilities than a child should have. Where did adulthood and childhood mesh? When do they separate? Who decided when children should take on adult matters? I'd like to discuss a raise of age to 25.
