Life is a Journey, not a Destination

I feel as though I haven't made a difference in the world. And worse than that, I don't know how to make a difference. And just when I keep thinking that, I realize that I have. I see the difference that I make in the lives of the little girls I coach. To many people that may not seem like much, but you never know how that little spark can really effect a child. I've had multiple parents thank me for not only being a good coach, but for being good to their girls.
Growing up I always wanted to be a doctor of some sort. Do something that made a lot of money. Yes, I was that kid who wanted to have a lot of money so I could have a lot of land and a lot of kids. But that wasn't realistic. When you're in the medical field you don't have time to raise a large family, and I think thats been a dream of mine for longer than any other dream. All of my friends think I'm crazy because being a teacher, although it is my career choice, isn't my dream job. In fact, my dream job isn't a "job" at all. All I want in my life is to be a mom. Not a "mother" but a "mom" or a "mommy". See, in my world theres a huge difference. Most anyone can give birth and be a "mother" but a "mom" is someone who literally molds their child into the person they become. A "mom" is there to cuddle you and hold you when you get hurt and wipe away the tears and teach you to be strong. A "mom" makes the biggest difference in the world to her children. And thats what I want. That is where I want to leave my mark. That is where I want to shine.
Most of my friends don't understand why I'm ready for that to start forming. Do I mean I want kids right this second? No. But do I think if I was forced to be ready I could? Yes. Does that mean that I want a serious relationship? Yes, but with someone who I think could handle what I want in life. And honestly, theres not many guys that I know that are ready to be Dads anytime in the next few years.
But life isn't about getting to a certain part, because there will always be more goals, more wants, more needs. Life is about the journey you travel to get to those goals, wants, and needs. I keep pushing to get to this place that I am ready for, but obviously it isn't part of God's plan just yet.

A Rough Patch

People walk through life without realizing whats going on with those around them. I've known two people who committed suicide and I saw neither of them as people who were teetering that edge. So how am I to expect people to see the fact that I can breakdown at 2 A.M. over things that I am so very good at being over in the day light.

Tonight, as it has been on a regular basis for the last few months, the breakdown stems from how little I feel like I matter. Its not like I think everyone hates me or that I have no friends, in fact I've never been more sturdy in the fact that I have friends whom I can count on. Its more than that. After I got cut from the team I realized how I am not the best or even close to the best at anything I do. I have never been the best athlete no matter much I wish I was. I don't have the best self control. I am not the smartest person or else I would have gone to a school based on academics not based on the sport I thought I could do. And the icing on the cake, I am never the first choice. It doesn't matter if its a friend or a guy, there's always someone who comes before me or I'm just not good enough. I don't want to drink enough or I'm not pretty enough or I'm just plain not enough. And I have no idea how to shake that feeling.