A Rough Patch

People walk through life without realizing whats going on with those around them. I've known two people who committed suicide and I saw neither of them as people who were teetering that edge. So how am I to expect people to see the fact that I can breakdown at 2 A.M. over things that I am so very good at being over in the day light.

Tonight, as it has been on a regular basis for the last few months, the breakdown stems from how little I feel like I matter. Its not like I think everyone hates me or that I have no friends, in fact I've never been more sturdy in the fact that I have friends whom I can count on. Its more than that. After I got cut from the team I realized how I am not the best or even close to the best at anything I do. I have never been the best athlete no matter much I wish I was. I don't have the best self control. I am not the smartest person or else I would have gone to a school based on academics not based on the sport I thought I could do. And the icing on the cake, I am never the first choice. It doesn't matter if its a friend or a guy, there's always someone who comes before me or I'm just not good enough. I don't want to drink enough or I'm not pretty enough or I'm just plain not enough. And I have no idea how to shake that feeling.