Never has there been six months that absolutely tore me apart like the last six months. But I have also been put back together by some amazing people. In that time I lost the one thing that kept me sane, a little girl who could light up my day, and a best friend that I believed would be there forever. None of these things were lost in the same way but each has had a huge effect on me.
The sport that keeps me sane was the first to completely go. This was not the first time I lost this sport. The only difference is that before I had years that I could look forward to in a hope that I could try again. This time I had one year. I have one year left on my gymnastics clock. Imagine knowing you have one year left, but that year could be taken away from you at any moment. That is what I live in: a world where it doesn't matter what I do, this one thing could end at any given moment. I don't have an exact exit time at this point. It will either end in October, or it will end in March. I won't know until October. So why am I trying to come back when I figured out my life without the sport? Because when you truly love something, you don't give it up. I was in that gym everyday. I was with those girls at every meet. I still gave my heart and soul for that team. And although I often felt under appreciated or unnoticed, I know that I tried my hardest to come in that gym and still put my heart and soul into every girl.
The next was lost right after I lost my sport. Avery died on October 24th, 2013. It was not on that day, but a few days later that I decided to give my heart fully and wholly to trying to find my way back to the Lord. I don't know if anyone knows about that. Previously I had always been one to say I was religious, because I am, rather secretively. The fact that I was and am secretive about it does not come from an embarrassment, but rather from the fact that I want it to be more intimate. About a year ago I decided to get a tattoo that more prominently let people know of my faith. Its simply an infinite sign with the word faith in it. Avery's death solidified a new meaning to my tattoo. It pushed my faith even more to the forefront of my brain.
The last loss was of a person I believed I would be friends with forever. She had helped me through things that others had brushed off and even though I do not often mention it, I miss her. Its hard to be able to miss her because I feel as if I'm not allowed to. No, I was not as close to her in some ways as Allyse was. But thats what makes it hard. Because I although I miss her, I feel as though I'm in adequate compared to her.
And this has been my biggest let down the past 6 months. Everything that has happened has left me feeling inadequate. Things happen and I just feel completely inadequate in every aspect of my life. I got three new skills in gymnastics but that wasn't good enough. I was there for Allyse through everything with Kelsey, but I still am not good enough. I work my butt off in school and coaching, yet I still feel as though my grades are inadequate and I never have enough money.
So overall the last 6 months has been loss after loss with me feeling as though I can't live up to any expectations.
No comments:
Post a Comment